20.4.07

Whatever you say, that's what I think anyways.

Sometimes, i wonder why or what makes me who i am? Amiable is not the word. I'm just friendly when I think I am.Still, i dun think that is a word to describe me. Which is why, people may think I am not the person whom they've heard about.

Ok, to cut it short, i'll put this as a self-reflection. People said, or think, I'm unsocial, or maybe, not as friendly..Ok, no pun intended. Admit it, guys, almost 70% of u think of it like that. That I'm an arrogant bitch. Far from it.

Sometimes, I do think I'm lagging somewhr amongst my own clique. Is it because I learn to socialise only when I turn errr..17? I mean really socialise, widen my circle of friends. Only when I got into poly.Cuz all the while, I'm only the stay-home girl, tight curfews, no CCAs.. No pun intended, again, but I admit I'm deprived of childhood. Is that the cause of Ain being paranoid most times?

I'm an Arian. And Arians are very conscious of what others think of them. Maybe, that's one of the many reasons why I don't speak much when others are discussing, or talking abt things I know little of? Cuz I know that when I open my mouth, nothing good comes out. I could pretend to be "macam paham" , DUH! Which never fails to make me regret my words. But when I talk, no one listens. Most times, I wish, I could join the conversation. Make myself present.
Well, what's the point of saying things, when you know nuts abt it, right? Orang kata, tu.... Kalau dah tak tau, jangan macam paham. But I wish I could you know, like give comments, say something..not make myself scarce. You'd say, it's just me.

Try being in a group maybe of three, or four, when the rest were so enthu talking about something, giving their macam paham comments, mcm bagus sgt padahal amateur jugak, and you're the only one trying hard to smile, wishing that you know what the fark r they talking about.. It's sad, believe me.

So how to be like them? Be macam paham like them? Smarang2 kasi komentar... But, hey,think of it on the bright side, you're just say the audience, or spectator, think of you as the end user, maybe someone who may buy the painting, or buy the record, someone buying apparels, and definitely someone who know nuts about those stuff...

The person buying the painting may not know if painting is good or not.Maybe the painting looks nice framed up on his/her wall.Maybe it's what they wanted.Then, person buying a record album. If we think the quality isn't good, the vocals not powderful, or the songs just suck, would the person know it? If he/she is say tone deaf, like me most times. Would he/she know the singer sumbang-sih here n there? A normal person could not notice slight differences.And there r many slight differences. Then a normal shopper. Buys t-shirts n accessories whatever that suit his/her likings. But there was problem. People often think his/her dressing is weird. Maybe colors dun match often, wrong concept..

Lookit guys, these people are normal people. But they have feelings too. They may not have talents or knowledge about stuffs, but they have their own taste too, no matter how weird or ugly it is. I feel them, cuz I maybe one of them. Misinterpreted paintings, or sketches...Awful design looks nice to me; ugly music and voices, dun matter much to me; whether my clothes have mismatch color n concept, I couldnt care less. To me, I call this individuality. If not, why in the world God make good n bad? Angel n devil? Beautiful (giler) n ugly?

Ouh, be a sport, Ain.Well, things take time.. And yes, there's something about me that you'd want to know.. I don't like to be plastic. But that's life..

"Let no one; not even friends nor family, influence the way you are. In life, we call that individuality"

Labels: individuality, self-reflection

mawarhitam
kept in the heart
12:23 AM||| | |

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