17.7.06

What is Life for me? What is Power to you?

I dunnoe who to turn to.. To tell of my worries and all emotions related. There are a few whom I know I can turn to. But are they willing to listen? I just need to let this unsaid/unmention sorrow out of the chest. I don't like people interrupting it. Just let me get this out, and i'm done with it. Say what you wish to say.

I do envy others who are still recognized despite disputes and what's not. No, i'm not asking to be recognized. Maybe you have forgotten I'm the one holding responsibility. To lead. And I'm learning from them about life. About passion for something. Apparently we're all different. It seems like I'm a better follower than a leader. A leader who can't lead? That should be the title of this entry. And I'm pretty sure most of you ARE silently agreeing with that. I can see the future up there. And I want 2 make it happen. I've been through setbacks. But this time round, I'm the one being pinned down. Again. Is it me, or is it me?

Am I wrong in making the decision for the current to-be(s)? It's the quality that i want to prove to the authorities, to the alumni. The quality that derives from hard weeks of practices. We don't have to outshine the other people. We have what we call voices. The togetherness of the voices that creates the ambience of the performance. I remembered. I continued the journey. And I should continue till I end. Ibarat pantang maut sebelum ajal. I won't wanna quit before I leave. I don't see what I experienced 2 yrs back. The day I first stepped into the place. Full of laughter.. But what I remembered till today is the warmth of yesterdays which gives me the strength to carry on. We may not be a big-shot amongst the peers who have much fame and exposure. But we have ourselves to love and share. But the warmth died down as they left. Leaving me, struggling. And he who believed in me, told me to continue where it's left. Thank you.

We have our ups and downs, no doubt. But all days we shared, we shared with love. We share laughter. We also shared tears. And worries. Remember? Best of all, I like being the follower. That time. *smiling* I agree with him stating umpteenth times, we are involved not being paid. Because we were not paid, that we bonded well. We don't worry about teeny-weeny bits. In facts those bits never matter AT ALL. Never. We have other things in us that we can bring out. The smiling faces when we triumphed over our first achievement. The last thing we worried about is the teeny-weeny bits. Ouh I so missed them.

I may sound so bad that they may despise me to the very core of their hearts, without saying, of course. I would have walked away, knowing I'm defeated. Yet, I stayed and continued this, as I promise. I won't return the shit that was shoved to me last time, to the younger ones. Even if majority means I lost. Making changes is ok. But too much a change is too much for us to bear. I'm staying till I end. Till what it seems to be, 23 March 07. Till den. Till den, the secrets of who is next juggling this responsibility is in my hands, heart and soul. {haha macam paham heart and soul} And den, my journey will continue to the environment I love at this point of time. Being a follower. Cuz where I am now, reminds me of those precious times we've had last time.

Old or new, I still love you. Loved being part of it, though it gets on my nerves most times. Love seeing the joy in the new ones learning new things. Love remembering those joyous moments we shared till the day we parted. I hope to bring back a remembrance when I get home on that day, leaving the post to the new ones. Without any disputes. Without any grudges. Cuz I dun bear them.

Adakah nasibku nanti serupa si Ciak?

Kasi muka, naik kepala...

Masih terus mencari..

With this, I end my entry with, if you think I am not good a leader, tell me. I know but I'm trying to give the best I could. And tell me with the best sincerity you have, without any poor judgement of this useless soul.

mawarhitam
kept in the heart
10:41 AM||| | |

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